What if you can never be out?
“Coming out of, or conversely, staying in the closet, is a never-ending journey. .”
“Coming out of, or conversely, staying in the closet, is a never-ending journey. .”
Though we like to praise our progressively changing attitudes to “alternative lifestyles”, stigma and prejudice still obstructs people from being open about who and how they love. For some people, they can realistically say this has very little chance of ever changing.
As a queer, kinky, non-monogamous person, there are three aspects to my life where I could be closeted. I think it’s common for non-monogamous people identify with at least two of these things and they often significantly motivate their non-monogamous exploration.
The ability to be able to completely open about who and how you love is a reflection of societal privilege. From what I’ve seen, the key elements one needs for this to be an accessible reality is to have their sexual and romantic orientation protected by law and/or for one to be independent enough not to rely on the support, employment or tolerance of others. This means that a lot of people have to limit how open they are about their alternative relationships and social lives.
As much as kink is about private intimacy in various forms, a kink dynamic with a transfer of authority sometimes calls for disclosure. At least to other partners. You often socialize within a community of other kinky partners with your partner too. It’s rarely a case of being completely closeted about your kink life or fetishes, you’re just selective about disclosure. Generally speaking, the fact that kink is correlated with private and/or sexual interaction means that you’re not concealing large parts of the typically public parts of your personal life by being in the closet. Kink events like munches can possibly expose you to the vanilla public.
That’s not the same as when you’re not out about being poly and certainly not the same as when you’re not out about being queer. For many people, these two aspects of their love life are intrinsically linked because they chose non-monogamy to have queer relationships and/or to navigate the world from a newly realized queer identity. These new relationships and even just platonic friendships with visibly queer people may “out” you if you’re seen in public and that’s not something everyone can afford.
Although everyone who is “out” would have dealt with (at least the fear of) discrimination on some level, you’d be mistaken to believe that it means everyone in these communities consider themselves compatible with people who are in the closet. In truth, some people can be hostile with their intolerance to people who are in the closet.
This rejection can feel isolating when you thought you’d found people who will understand some of what you’re going through. Especially when they seem to form judgements about other aspects of your life or character based on what they see as a choice to remain closeted.
I’ll confess that I have dealbreakers around partners being “out”. I’ve spoken to other queer people and fewer poly people about their needs and they run along similar themes. On a basic level, being with a closeted partner puts an additional restriction on how a relationship can progress. It limits your options for public dating and just hanging out together. It means you probably can’t share holidays, vacations or have the “normal” options that a couple enjoy.
Then there is a deeper, darker level of past trauma, unhealthy, abusive relationships, broken hearts, and internalized prejudice. That’s what fuels some of the more extreme feelings towards those who are reluctant to be out. I know I am aggrieved by queer people who assume I’d know they’d never be seen with me in public. Like we both understand we’re doing something repulsive. To a lesser degree, non-monogamous people can do the same thing.
All alternative lifestyles have a prevailing stigma of deviant hypersexuality and a partner who is ashamed of your connection can refuel personal internalized prejudice. It can be triggering to be in such a relationship. Even when you want to stay in it.
Personally, I will still date people who can’t be out. I would have a very small dating pool if I didn’t. But I do have a bottom line. I need someone who can interact with me publicly as a romantic/sexual partner around where I live and with my friends and family. While I’m not asking for them to be apologetic about the rigid social norms which keep them closeted, I expect them to have acknowledged where it is their own internalized prejudice which holds them back and be willing to work on that. I expect some understanding that it can be a painful reminder of your own battles to be out when you date a partner who can’t be. I group this with other indications the person has unacknowledged internalized prejudice.
On a positive note, sometimes being in the closet makes you more compatible with a partner. They have a similar need for discretion and your requirement gives them additional security that you’ll be equally invested in keeping your connection as inconspicuous as necessary. Coming out of, or conversely, staying in the closet, is a never-ending journey. It’s all about finding people who are walking a similar route.