“Race Play”
How to feel about it as a white person committed to racial equality?
Content warning: This post will discuss some aspects of kink, including consensual sexual activity that orients around racism. It also mentions child abuse and age play as a consensual kink
I’m a kinky guy. I look for kinky partners. That’s basically sexual compatibility.
Kink is a strange world. Some kinks are controversial, even if all parties consent. Age play, where one or both parties roleplay as a younger person, for example. Another is race play.
What race play consists of, like all kinks, varies between individuals. But it’s fair to say that some form of roleplay or dynamic is constructed around racial stereotypes and rooted in actual social history.
The white(st) person isn’t always sexually dominant by any means, but whatever the dynamic, it is founded on the very real and current existence of white supremacy. Even where it spins it on its head, and the white people are inferior or powerless within the context of the sexual interaction.
I think it’s easy to know what you think of white people who go around seeking this out. It’s easy to know where to class those folks and put up red flags all around them. In my opinion, at least.
But it goes without saying that there must be some non-white people who are into it for their own personal reasons. Of course, it’s not for me to judge this as an appropriate outlet for racial trauma. I know that other kinky people process trauma through these means, and I’m unsure if we should say that it is unhealthy to process racism this way but okay to process experiences of child abuse.
I’ve decided to mostly stay out of it. Except, of course, I’m open to dating People of Color. I want my partners to be kinky, specifically, submissive. And they often come with a penchant for humiliation and degradation, which is often part of what the people who like to engage in race play want to experience, either giving or receiving.
It’s not uncommon to come across people on dating apps, particularly those aimed toward sexually liberal men, who are seeking partners for race play. Or who assumes that to be part of why you’re open to dating them; you expect to incorporate racial dynamics in the bedroom. So they can assume that you’re ready to fulfill the “White Master” role, for example, and address you in that context.
That’s never a good way to approach anything kinky, just because kink by nature sits towards the edge of what is classed as taboo. You should always check the other person is on the same page as you. But not everyone does that.
I dated a Black guy who was into receiving race-related humiliation and degradation. He knew it was one of the dicier kinks, so it was something that we spoke about over time.
I’m going to admit right here that I play towards the rough and extreme end of the spectrum anyway. So I want to make it clear that it isn’t like he was asking me to engage in an intensity of authority transfer that was outside my comfort zone or experience level. It’s just the racial element which would be something extra. Added context to our dynamic.
I have to give some background here. I believe that all white people are conditioned to be racist. I believe we can try and dismantle that through anti-racism. I don’t believe that we all grew up under the same level of conditioning, though.
I know white people who grew up hearing racial slurs in their homes mouthed by their parents. That’s not my story. My family has been quite progressive for generations regarding racial equality, BUT we all know how problematic white leftists are. Especially those who have been “the best BIPOCs have got,” and now we’re getting even more critical of intersectionality, they’re resistant to criticism. White saviors, basically. I hail from those types. Can’t you tell?!
So some of the things he would have wanted from me are way outside the type of racism going on at home. I mean, I can like pay for your schooling or something and then tell everyone that I do it. That’s the type of white supremacy we do around here.
And I’m not even making light of that as a form of racism. That charity stuff we do is a problem. The way we do it. But it doesn’t exactly carry over well to the type of thing he wanted in the bedroom.
Believe it or not, I felt bad for not being able to be that guy for him. To not think of it as roleplay and perform. It felt like I was judging him for processing trauma this way, when I know I don’t carry the same judgment about people who indulge in other kinks.
It took me a while to reconcile myself with the fact that it’s really okay for me to feel kink can be a valid way to process trauma under the right conditions. And also feel that some people who engage in kink in certain contexts, like the white man who plays “White Master,” are dangerous. Even though they could be engaging in this type of kink together.
Now, I make it clear that race play is a hard limit. I’d be no good at it. What fuels me as a kinky dominant is my feeling of ownership in the bedroom. And even with my female partner, the idea of me being the sexually dominant party because she’s a woman does nothing for me. I own her because she gave herself to me. In the same way as my male and other gendered partners gave themselves to me.
That’s what makes them mine. I’d be no good at saying it’s because I’m a man and she’s a woman. She wouldn’t believe it, and it would be weird.
I suppose I’m writing this really for other kinky white people committed to anti-racism who aren’t sure how to feel about race play. I’ve decided that I’m free to judge the hell out of other white people who engage in it, while not really knowing how to feel about non-white people who do the same.
I also know that I don’t have to do it to honor and respect the autonomy of BIPOCs who desire it in their sex lives. I do wish there weren’t any white people who would agree to it. I can’t help feeling that way. But I also can’t help feeling that you have to be a certain level of racist to be able to do it, and also be aroused by it. After all, that’s sort of the point. It’s to get you both off.
I still read debates between non-white kinky people about race play. I’d decided on it. It’s not even that I won’t do it, I know I can’t. I tried back then to reframe it, but it didn’t work for me. But I read the debates nonetheless for my own better understanding.
It’s up to individuals to decide what they want in their bedrooms, but no choice occurs in a vacuum. There’s no more I can really say.
“Race Play” was originally published in The Kink Corner on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.